Are They Really Your Friend?
If you looked at Marsha’s Facebook profile, you would probably assume she was popular. With more than 1,000 friends, it seemed as though her social calendar should be full, especially on Friday and Saturday nights.
The reality was different. Marsha was a homebody who spent most evenings with her cat. Over the years, she believed she had formed plenty of meaningful relationships through work, the church choir, school, and other places where people naturally connect.
However, most of those relationships belonged to a particular season. When the job changed, the choir stopped meeting, or life moved in another direction, the connection usually faded.
Her divorce made that truth impossible to ignore. Some people disappeared when life became uncomfortable. Others checked on her, listened, and helped her through it.
That was when Marsha learned the difference between a fair-weather friend and someone willing to offer shelter.
What Is a Friend?
Not every friendship is built to carry the same weight. The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle described three kinds of friendship: those based on usefulness, those based on pleasure, and those rooted in character.
Friendship Based on Usefulness
Some relationships exist because two people are helpful to one another. This may be a coworker who helps you complete a project, another parent who shares carpool duties, or a neighbor who watches your house while you are away.
These connections can be genuine and valuable, but they often change when the shared need disappears. The relationship was real, but it was tied to a purpose.
Friendship Based on Pleasure
Other relationships grow from shared enjoyment. These are the people you laugh with, travel with, share hobbies with, or meet for dinner. You enjoy one another’s company because you have common interests or experiences.
These bonds can create wonderful memories, but they may fade when routines, interests, or circumstances change.
Friendship Based on Character
A friendship based on character is the kind of relationship where you can call someone at three in the morning. She may be annoyed that you woke her, but she will still make time for you.
The same is true in return. She knows she can call you at a moment’s notice and trust that you will be there.
This bond is not held together only by convenience or entertainment. It is grounded in trust, honesty, respect, and genuine concern for one another. These friends are rare, and that is exactly why they are priceless.
How Do I Know This Person Is Really My Friend?
“This Little Light of Mine” is a song many of us learned as children. While it has religious meaning, its message can also be applied to the broader human experience.
In short, you were created to be loved, and there is something within you that deserves to shine.
Brené Brown, one of my favorite experts on the subject of friendship, talks about “candle blower-outers.” These are the people who struggle to allow someone else’s light to shine.
Think of your light as the candles on a birthday cake. Your joy, healing, confidence, ideas, accomplishments, and growth are all part of the celebration.
A true friend does not blow out your candles and ruin your party.
She does not minimize your good news, mock your excitement, compete with your success, or immediately list every reason something might go wrong. She does not need you to become smaller so she can feel more comfortable.
A real friend helps keep the candles burning.
That does not mean she agrees with every decision you make or tells you only what you want to hear. A good friend can challenge you, ask difficult questions, and speak honestly without trying to diminish who you are.
Marsha eventually realized that some people enjoyed her company, some appreciated what she could do for them, and a rare few cared deeply about who she was. The hardest part was accepting that she had once given all of them the same title.
They were not necessarily bad people. They simply did not all hold the same place in her life.
Some relationships belong to a particular purpose. Others belong to a season. A precious few become the shelter we can return to again and again.
When you think about the people in your life, ask yourself:
Do they make room for my light, or do I leave the relationship feeling like I need to dim it?
Let’s Talk
If you are struggling with friendship, relationships, or other questions about your life, let’s talk. Together, we can begin exploring what is happening, what you need, and what kind of support may be right for you.